Many of us learn how to keep going. We become productive, responsible and capable. We meet expectations, care for others and adapt to environments that may leave little room for rest, vulnerability or emotional honesty. From the outside, we may appear to be functioning well. Beneath the surface, the body and mind may be carrying a very different story.

In The Myth of Normal, Dr. Gabor Maté, writing with Daniel Maté, asks readers to reconsider how we understand health, trauma and illness. Rather than viewing distress only as an individual problem, the book invites us to examine the environments in which people live: families, workplaces, communities and cultures that may reward disconnection while calling it success.

Trauma is not only what happened

One of the book’s central invitations is to look beyond the difficult event and consider what happened within a person as they adapted to it.

A child may learn to suppress emotion to preserve connection. An adult may become exceptionally independent because relying on others once felt unsafe. Someone may remain constantly busy because stillness allows difficult feelings to surface.

These responses may initially be protective. They helped a person belong, cope or survive. The difficulty arises when an old adaptation continues long after the circumstances that shaped it have changed.

This shift does not remove personal responsibility. It introduces context, compassion and the possibility of making a different choice.

When adaptation is mistaken for identity

People often describe themselves in fixed terms: controlling, overly sensitive, fiercely independent, unable to slow down, or responsible for everyone else. Yet some qualities we regard as personality may also carry the imprint of adaptation.

Perfectionism may have created predictability. People-pleasing may have protected attachment. Emotional distance may have prevented further hurt. Constant achievement may have provided worth, recognition or safety.

Understanding the protective purpose of a pattern does not mean remaining trapped within it. It allows us to meet the pattern with curiosity rather than shame.

The body is part of the story

Another important theme in Maté’s work is the inseparability of mind and body. Chronic stress does not exist only as a thought; it is also experienced physiologically.

Rethinking what we call normal

A behaviour can be common without being healthy. Exhaustion may be normalized in the workplace. Emotional suppression may be praised as strength. Constant availability may be interpreted as commitment. Disconnection may be disguised as independence. Living in a permanent state of urgency may be treated as ambition.

When enough people adapt to unhealthy conditions, the adaptation itself can begin to look normal. Maté’s cultural critique asks whether suffering belongs only to the individual—or whether it may also reflect the expectations and structures surrounding them.

Healing as a return to wholeness

Healing is not about locating someone to blame for every wound. Nor does it require endlessly examining the past. It is about understanding how the past may still be organizing the present—and gradually creating more awareness and choice.

This may involve noticing the body, naming emotions without immediately judging them, recognizing protective patterns, establishing boundaries and allowing safe relationships to challenge old expectations. It may also involve reconnecting with needs that were once pushed aside and making room for rest, play, creativity and belonging.

Healing does not require rejecting the person we became. It may begin by appreciating how that person protected us—and gently deciding what is no longer needed.

What lies beneath the surface?

Perhaps the most meaningful question inspired by the book is not simply, “How do we eliminate what hurts?” It may be, “What is this pain asking us to understand?”

A symptom is not a complete explanation, and every struggle should not automatically be attributed to trauma. Yet approaching distress with curiosity can help us see more than a diagnosis, behaviour or coping pattern. It can help us encounter the whole person.

And perhaps healing begins when we stop asking people to function normally within conditions that are hurting them—and begin creating the safety, compassion and connection in which something healthier can emerge.

This reflection is inspired by themes in Dr. Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté’s The Myth of Normal. It is intended for general reflection and education, not as a clinical assessment or a substitute for individualized medical or mental-health care.